Hi, internet.

Hi, internet. 

I cannot begin to describe the storm that is my life right now and that has been for a while. So I already know this will be vague, but trust me, I'm doing my best. 

Surprisingly, I've cried only a few times over the changes and sh*tty things that have happened and continue to happen. My less evolved self is probably choosing avoidance every waking day because it's easier to not have a breakdown this way. 

My only meltdown so far involves the inability to move right when my eyes open in the morning, some negligence with my poor pets, and being a tad more short-tempered. I'm a Virgo -- an INFJ at that -- so, naturally, when the sh*t hits the fan, disaster is an understatement. 

My helplessness comes from not being able to process anything because processing experiences means taking time and having a choice. Sadly, I'm in a place right now where I don't have much of a choice so keeping things bottled in is inevitable. Even though I know it is unhealthy and isn't something I stand for, I can only stop at being self-aware as acting on the awareness is not a possibility at the moment. 

Sometimes I don't want to wake up because of the familiar feeling that I thought had left me long ago. The feeling of wishing I could just disappear and never come back or come back when things are better, or just leave everything behind and start a new life where nobody knows my name, or perhaps never wake up after a peaceful sleep filled with images of the life I once dreamed of. 

I'm very thankful for all the support I'm receiving from those around me. I'm not an ungrateful b***h as one might surmise from what I just said and the overall tone of this rant. I guess I just need a little bit of control, and this is my only way of owning a bit of that right now. That and giving life the middle finger because I feel I'm entitled to it even just a little bit. I feel like I've earned the right to be angry at life and the universe after being a doormat for at least more than half of my existence.

So, unlike the usual theme of what I normally post, I guess there is no actionable lesson or eventful takeaway from the conclusion of this word vomit. 

Or maybe there is. Maybe it's okay to acknowledge that sometimes silver linings and better days are overrated. Maybe it's okay to not always be the bigger person and do the right thing all the time. Maybe it's okay to feel gratitude and still feel like your self-worth is underneath twenty feet of crap. Maybe it's okay to feel bad about situations that deeply affect our mental and emotional health for as long as it takes to complete the process. Heck, maybe some pessimism and a lot of realistic perceptions are okay. 

No amount of forced prayers, religious indoctrination, surface-level words of encouragement, or worse -- condescending passages/verses from you-know-what -- can help. No amount of convincing me I'm not praying hard enough or doing this and that will work. Yes, my spirituality is also at a low, but it's an ongoing inner work that has nothing to do with any of the aforementioned. 

To be honest, I prefer virtual hugs to prayers. And I mean that as no offense to my religious friends and family. I appreciate prayers; I just don't need another "You just need to keep praying" or "Tell me your prayer requests" as a substitute for empathy. I believe in the power of prayer and miracles, but I have a bone to pick with those who weaponize these to divest people of normal human emotions and experiences. 

Because in reality, this is how I talk to God. I say the realest sh*t. I don't sugarcoat to appease God. I don't need to. The Divine is not shallow or emotionally closed off. Nightbirde, a devout Christian who died of cancer last year, said it well when she said she got angry at God, asked him why, etc. She talked to God like she'd talk to her best friend. 

I'm sorry if I seem a bit agitated, borderline mean, while writing this. I guess this is what happens when you suppress difficult emotions for too long. I'm also aware that after this, I have to go back to not having control -- not having a choice. 

I don't know what the future holds. I'm totally scared of having to endure so much more. But it is what it is for now. 

If you've read this far, thank you. If you can relate, I'm truly sorry. Life is hard. Adulting is hard. Being human is hard. We can just do what we can with what we have and what we know for the present moment.