After 30: Musings of a Thirtysomething INFJ-T with Chronic Existential Crisis

Life after thirty is a mix of major adulting and random outbursts of wanting to be seventeen again. Imagine being constantly caught between having a delicate sense of freedom and having an extended quarter life crisis. At least that’s how it’s like to me. I’m well aware that not everybody my age or in the same age range feels the same way. I just feel like many people in their thirties go through this limbo-like state at least once in their life.

Like the protagonist in the movie 17 Again said, “I grew up and I lost my way.”

Freedom, Fears, and Failure

You know how when you’re in your twenties, have a decent job, and are starting to build a life of your own, you’re still not at the peak of freedom like how you imagined it would be when you were a teenager. I know this has a lot to do with culture and environment, and us Filipinos are very familiar with the situation. You’re allowed to party, have a social life, and commit to romantic relationships, but somehow you still need to answer to people who have any kind of influence over you. You’re still regarded as young and in need of guidance (or control in abusive relationship dynamics). In healthy relationships, especially parent-child relationships, having some sort of guidance is important and even necessary up until a person’s mid-twenties. As you probably know, the prefrontal cortex fully develops at the age of twenty-five. And scientifically, new links are still being formed in our brains up until thirty and even beyond that. This means our brain reaches full-fledged adulthood at thirty. Am I hearing brain explosion sounds right now? That’s right – new knowledge equals additional links for brain development, so you're welcome. 😊

Now when you’re in your thirties, you’re afforded more freedom to do as you please. Again, not to make a sweeping statement, this isn’t the case for everybody. But generally, people in their thirties can have more boundaries allowing them to do what they want possibly by loss of or distance from people or circumstances that used to have a part in their decision making (e.g., loss of a parent, separation from an ex or friend, changing jobs, or moving to another city or country). If it’s not any of that, it could be that the relationship dynamics with the people around them have changed over time. Some people have fewer activities outside of work and family and can therefore go to bed whenever they want. Some have fewer friends than they used to and are able to experience less conflict and more “me time,” which isn’t inherently a bad thing in itself.

However, as with mostly anything, there’s a cost to having more freedom and fewer external influences. It seems this stage of a person’s life is when they start to feel recurring bouts of loneliness that happen more frequently and at closer intervals. It could also be a time when one begins to review their life and measure it against plans and goals that were set at an earlier stage. I personally started experiencing fears I didn’t have before turning thirty: anxious thoughts about aging, regrets about dreams and goals I wasn’t able to achieve, and sometimes even the fear of not being able to serve out my purpose in life before dying. These were things I didn’t think of too much when I was younger because I thought there’s always enough time or that if something doesn’t happen for me then it’s not meant to be. But it seems when you hit thirty, it becomes normal to wonder if all the great and noble things you set out to do will ever really happen because you’re now closer to an age where some endeavors may be a bit harder to do due to a host of factors (e.g., health issues, bigger financial responsibilities if you have kids, time constraints, etc.).

Thirtysomething Could-Have-Beens

I’ll go out on a limb here and say you probably know at least one person who swore in their late teens or early twenties that they will have something grand to their name or become a notable catalyst of change in the world when they reach a certain age or status. Here’s an excerpt from the synopsis of But You're Still So Young: How Thirtysomethings Are Redefining Adulthood by Kayleen Schaefer: “The thirtysomethings in this book envisioned their thirties differently than how they are actually living them. He thought he would be done with his degree; she thought she’d be married; they thought they’d be famous comedians; and everyone thought they would have more money.”

I know someone who used to play the violin passionately and hasn’t touched one in years, someone who wanted to make films and has their social media posts now as the closest they’ll ever get to producing content, and someone who wanted to become a published author and is now… well, blogging – for the love of writing, not for profit. In my defense, I haven’t totally given up on my dream of publishing a book yet. However, every passing day that I’m unable to do something about it causes the dream to drift further and further away.

A Toast to the Thirtysomething Life Navigator  

I think, after thirty, we still have remnants of the child within us that had unadulterated faith in their dreams. Maybe it doesn’t seem as plausible at it once was, but it’s just there, waiting for an out – a fighting chance that could just be the size of a pea (or a mustard seed for my Christian friends).

Sitting in my apartment today, writing this one-thousand-plus-word update, waiting for an important email, and thinking of the chores I need to do later before I can call it a day, my mind feels very conscious about not knowing how to get from point A to B. I think of all the thirtysomethings right now who are deciding between cooking something healthy and buying instant food from 7-Eleven, commuting to work or waiting in line to gas up while watching the insufferable gas prices, deleting dating apps from their phone after yet another unsuccessful romance, setting up the next budget plan for when the kinsenas pay comes, or the biggest thirtysomething predicament of all: debating internally whether to eat or sleep.

But let me end this by recommending the song “Not 20 Anymore” by Bebe Rexha, my favorite thirtysomething songwriter and pop artist who reminds me that I’m not older for no reason; I’m wiser and stronger “from all of the life I’ve been through.”